Have You Ever?
by CHATNOIRandPlagg
Summary: Falling is an emotional response to having no control in your life; Until a certain kitty starts to wonder what it would be like to actually hit the ground. Warning: Suicidal thoughts; Mentions of Past Death and Past Self Harm/ No Main character death.


**_Warning: Suicidal thoughts and mention of Self Harm. Angst._**

**_This does take place in the colder months. I just didn't feel the need to put detail on the snow and such. It is mainly focused around Adrien and the things hes going through mentally. Some Editing was done but not too much._**

* * *

**_Have you Ever?~_**

* * *

" Kid, I don't like the thoughts I'm hearing right now.'

"Then stop listening.'

The little black cat kwami went silent within the transformation as his boy stared down at the rushing water at his feet.

Rushing, flooding and harsh. The waters having icey tallens that bore no mercy to those who fell into them. They seemed to lick at the cat boys boots as he dangled his feet over the edge… Even if he was a hundred or so feet up into the air. The water seemed to reach up and try to lash up his boots, even if it was impossible to reach…

And Chat seemed to dangle his legs, swinging them back and forth, just to taunt the monster in the waters below. His muscles rippled through his leather suit as he let out a heavy sigh, Shoulders sagging at the edges. His blonde hair blew within the freezing air and his green, emerald eyes, although usually beautiful were dim, even in his transformed state.

This seemed to be happening more and more lately, Much to the little black cats displeasure. His boy would transform and fight the fight, and then after recharging he would go out and dangle his legs over the water. Over the pavement. Over the cobblestone, Over nothing. And Plagg wasn't sure how to place the thoughts going through his wards head. He was a god of destruction, and he knew self destructive tendencies anywhere.

Adrien would walk along the edge much like a cat testing its balance on a ledge. He would let his tail swing back and forth, His ears would flick about and he stretched his arms out to the sides. He would seem to hop across the railing over the side, then do a small twirl and hop down. He would do this often… More so after coming home to nothing.

No mother. No Father. No friends. No company. Nothing.

Plagg was destruction.

He knew loneliness. He knew when people sold themselves out for just a taste of happiness. He WAS that desperation. He WAS that need for love and devotion. He knew the emotions and he knew what they gave and lead too. He had been around for so long that it stung each time. He had some good kittens, some bad. Some lost to insanity, depression. Some lost for the best of causes...Some lost because of his own stupidity. Some chose the worst of sides and others chose to die for the greater good. And there was the biggest percent of them…

That died because of themselves.

Plagg shifted in Adriens self conscious while the boy shifted his shoulder and stared down at the rushing water. It looked murky today, Probably because of the stormy weather they were heaving recently. Adrien looked up into the sky, letting some fresh rain splash against his nose and bounce off his mask. It was just a small downpour and he felt the need to hiss and run away as fast as his feet could carry him.

Because with Plagg came the hatred of water.

Adrien swung his feet up and jumped, He landed on the metal bar, almost slipping on the process before grabbing his metal baton and twirling it back and forth before both hands before heaving a deep throated sigh and extending it. It vaulted him up into the air towards his home.

Once in sight he made his way through his open window. He slid down the pane and into the room before landing on the floor and shaking his head… And then his body, all the way down to his tail. His floor dripped with wet footprints from his cat themed boots before he breathed out a hot and heavy breath.

" Claws in.'

The transformation was released and Adrien stood there in his room. He shivered and rubbed his hands up and down his arms to gain some warmth before grabbing his a towel from his bathroom and drying his hair in a messy fashion. He then yawned, grabbed a nightshirt, changed and made his way over to his large bed… Where he flopped onto it with cat like grace and curled up in a little ball.

" Kid…'

" Cambert is in the mini fridge.'

" I know… Pst.. Kid… Wakey.. Wakey…'

Adrien opened a striking green eye and arched a finely defined blonde eyebrow.

"...Plagg.. I have school tomorrow..' That was a lie. He wasn't allowed to go tomorrow.

" But-! Oh fine.. Don't listen to me." It wasn't like he did anyway. Plagg huffed but spun around in a circle before lying beside Adriens head and curling in a ball at his neck. He flopped with his back to the boy but their bodies touched. It was connection and Adrien deep down appreciated it. He needed it.

He needed the affection.

At least right now.

His father was supposed to come home tomorrow. And Adrien was used to his plans being changed and ruined, But at the same time he let his hopes go up each time. And each time it was ruined and crushed. This however… Was worse this time. It felt like his life was spiraling out of control. His father wasn't there and wouldn't be there for another week- as to his new plans- And it was nearing that time of year.

That one time of year that Adrien truly, needed his father.

The anniversary of him missing his mother. The time of year that his mother went missing and just… Just…

Adrien swallowed as he stared up at the ceiling.

This was the first year his father wasn't going to be here… And it seemed everything stopped in mid movement and had just fallen to the floor. It wasn't like his father was there all the other years either- but he was at least THERE. In the house, down the hall in his office. Given he ignored everyone but the fact that he was there was enough for Adrien…

Now he was alone in this big house- and his father had given strict orders that he was not to leave the house unless it was an emergency. No friends, No school. He had to go a week without it and it was leaving his skin itchy with the thought of staying there and doing nothing. Piano lessons and fencing was still on. Chinese lessons was still on. But no school and he HAD to show up for his modeling lessons.

His life was spiraling out of his own control. The only control he had was Chat Noir and even that was proving hard at the moment. His Adrien persona was leaking out into his Chat one. One moment he was poppinga joke and the next he was dreading going home and acting as if he was too skittish to.

His father had never hit him.

But Adrien was starting to wonder if maybe he would feel better if he did.

At least he would feel something from his father.

He felt as though he was spinning and falling at the same time… It had been this way for a while, ever since his mother went missing. Now he was laying there, staring up at his ceiling and trying to calm his racing thoughts. He was falling emotionally into a pit he doubted he could climb out of… It was deep and no matter how hard he tried to claw out he couldn't… it was a strange feeling at first. It left his chest heavy at first, then it turned to heavy sighs. Then it turned to anger and spitting at his father when he wasn't there. Then it turned to remorse that he had spoken so badly about him, and then it shifted to him feeling such guilt that he didn't want to move out of his bed. He didn't want to get up anymore.

And then one morning he realized he HAD to get up or have things taken away from him that he actually cared about. His friends. His things. His freedom, his life. His everything. He ground his teeth and forced on his cute little Agreste mask- And that's when he felt himself falling. Falling emotionally. Falling so badly that it physically felt like his body was going to hit down on the ground. He had almost fainted at a shoot and Nathalie thought it was exhaustion.

Adrien had been left shaken the rest of the day.

He went home on shaky, robotic legs and typed it into his search engine…

And that's when he got the word 'Depression' thrown at him.

He had closed his laptop with a sharp snap and had not opened it again.

Yes, He had Chat Noir, and it was a piece of freedom that he never had before… But at the same time he was just boxing in his problems and 'Running' from them whilst using his true self as an escape from what he was dealing with at home with his father. His father. His obligations. His lack of affection and love. His lack of parents and a childhood...It was like his father was robbing him of his childhood and Adrien was beginning to think he was doing it on purpose.

Even now he wanted to go back out into the rain despite his newfound hatred for it.

He groaned and placed a hand over his face before turning around and trying to close his eyes.

" Have you ever felt like your falling…?"

'Hmmp..?" Plagg tiredly lifted his head while Adrien stared back up at the ceiling. His blonde hair brushed against his cheeks to hide the lost look in his bright green eyes…

"...Nothing.'

* * *

" CHAT! . Do you. Think. You. Were. Doing. Back. There!?"

The blonde swiveled on his feet and cringed when he looked at his lady. She was in her skin tight suit, yo-yo in hand. Her hands were placed on her hips and her foot tapped at the ground so harshly that he was glad he wasn't cobblestone

They had just fought a not too dangerous Akuma and were now getting ready to set out. He baited himself, like always. Thus leading to him waving his hands about like a crazy person, screaming, 'COME GET THE KITTY!' and running through the streets of Paris with a crazed look in his eye. The Akuma was a rain Akuma- which would explain the bad weather they had been having.

Chat was drenched.

Ladybug was pissed.

He was beginning to wonder why.

" You could have gotten yourself killed Chat!" She glared and narrowed her beautiful baby blue bell eyes. The red of her suit almost flared along with her anger and he wasn't sure if he was hot because she was or because she looked like she was on fire with rage.

He gulped.

" It was nothing my lady. Just doing meow's duty.' He sent her his typical Chatlike grin and he didn't miss the scoff that left Ladybugs lips. He placed a hand over his jaw and seemed to think on something very important- what he couldn't tell you.

" Besides… Cats ALWAYS land on their feet.' He winked and let his tail swish by itself, side to side. She watched him, irritation growing on her face.

" You. Almost. Hit. The. Ground.'

He grinned and turned around, swishing his hips as if he was dancing to some invisible song that none of them heard.

" CHAT!"

" Meow~ Relax M'lady!" He swished back around, ' This cat has nine lives, so why not use them-'

" That's not the point and you know it.' She narrowed her eyes while Chat heaved an adorable sigh. He ran his claws through his blonde hair and made sure to fluff it up before opening one eye in a cat like manner. He crouched down and then offered her a cheeky grin.

" I am purrfectly fine m'lady. I have my baton. My cat like reflexes… I am here to serve and this kitty will serve till need be.' He grinned as his tail flicked. She stared at him… her eyes narrowed in on him in silent rage.

_'Everyone is mad at you it seems.'_

"... Chat… Just don't do it again.' She glared and zipped out her Yo-yo. It was then he noticed the familiar beeping of her earrings. She was leaving.'

_'Everyone seems to leave you alone.'_

He clamped his mouth shut and gave her a cheeky grin… He watched her with trained green eyes until she disappeared over the rooftops, And then his smile dropped. His tail went limp against the ground and he could only stare ahead at nothing; his ring beeped, snapping him out of his stupor. He grabbed his metal baton and burst through the air towards his home…

But his mind went back to today.

_'Just don't do it again.'_

Do what? What did he do? He did what he always did. He had close calls before now so what the hell was he doing wrong here? He didn't…. Understand. He didn't know…. All he could remember was being hit so hard by the rain Akuma that he went flying.

And flying…

And falling.

And it had taken the breath from him.

He had fallen before, many times. But not sense everything had started shifting in his mind. Not sense he felt like his life was spiraling out of control. Not sense he felt like he was falling with no stopping. He had felt his heart rise in his chest, he felt his green eyes widen and he felt the ground near his back before he pushed the button on his baton and saved himself before bursting onto the pavement.

It felt so much like his emotional state but in a physical sense. The ground had almost kissed his back, the thought of what it would be like to fall and not get up flashed through his mind…. And then the baton saved him before he could finish said thought.

The cat like hero huffed and stormed in through his window. He detransformed and stalked over to his untouched computer. He sat down, not even giving his burning muscles a chance to catch up. He opened the browser, and typed…

_'Have you ever fallen and liked it?"_

Adrien was left running his hands through his blonde hair and crying when the suicide help hot line popped up as the first result in his request.

* * *

Being home alone was usually something that most kids loved and cherished.

Adrien just felt helpless as he walked the halls of his large house and tried to make sense of his life. He looked down halls, he looked into empty rooms. He looked into his father's empty office and then did a U turn to get away from it. Because the scent in there was comforting but it also turned his stomach. It was something he craved- Love, Affection, The warmth of a hug and so much more. But he also hated the coldness of the empty room. He hated the fact that his father was never there and when he was he was hardly ever allowed in there.

So Adrien just ended up walking back to his room after modeling for that day.

It was the same ole same ole photoshoot.

Smile here, smile there. He was used to smiling on cue now. Here and at school…. He had gotten a text from Nino. He had asked where he was and why he wasn't there, and Adrien had just told him his father was out of town and his schedule was very full at the moment. Nino had complained. Adrien had agreed for once.

The blonde walked into his large room before Plagg zipped up at him from a pillow on his bed.

" Do you have my stinky, gooey goodness with you?" He preened leaving Adrien to roll his eyes but dig into his pocket. He handed the little kwami a large wheel- one that he had to force unto his pocket. The Kwami lit up and grabbed the cheese with greedy little stubs before zipping to his window seal and stuffing his cheeks full of the stinky cheese.

He gulped and looked at Adrien with his kitty green eyes.

" Hey Kid… Instead of walking around like a zombie, why not transform and take a run?" Plagg grinned in his mischievous way.

Adrien glanced at him.

He knew Plagg was trying to make him feel better…. But as his silence dragged on, and as the clock on his wall ticked as loudly as it could… he hummed and looked away. He glanced at his room, then the window.. And then at his bed.

"... Nah, I'm good Plagg.'

The kwami looked as though someone had tried to swat him out of the air.

How dare someone turn down his good graces, right? Wrong. The kitty watched as the boy sat down on his bed and laid there. A heavy sigh left his boys chest and Plagg watched as his kitten started acting just that. A kitten. He curled up in his blankets, rolled over his stomach and then closed his green eyes to shut out all the light around him.

Plagg felt the darkness settle into him.

He had seen this happen so many times in the past.

It started with the sighs. The grunts. The lack of speech. The far off look in their eyes… Then it led to the close calls during attacks. It lead to his kittens playing chicken and pulling away right at the last moment. It lead to his kittens getting up in the middle of the night… It lead to his kittens smelling like blood and torn flesh. It led to his kittens bleeding out on the floor…. Or seizing on the ground with an open orange bottle.

Plagg watched as Adrien laid there.

No…

No.

He couldn't lose another kitten. Not this one. This one was the best he had sense years ago. This was the kitten that he- although not in admission- cared for. There had been many he hated. Some he loved. Some he wanted to adopt as his own and some that just plain out annoyed the shit out of him.

But this kitten was different.

Andhe didn't want to find him….

Soaked in his own blonde on the bathroom floor. He didn't want to see the red, sticky substance soaking into his blonde hair and matting it. He didn't want to see his green eyes dull with death. He didn't want to see his body jerk as his brain starved for oxygen. He didn't want to see it.

He didn't want to lose another one.

Not when he felt like he was worthless. Not when he felt like he deserved death. Plagg couldn't lose him. He couldn't.

He wouldn't.'

" Adrrrieeennnnnnn!" His voice sounded just as annoying as he had planned it to sound, " I've had my camembert…. Lets goooo…' He snickered in an attempt to sound like his everyday self.

Adriend grumbled and poked his head out of the warm blankets. His eyes were lazily drawing closed…

'...Meow?' He whined and purred as the blanket sucked him into the warmth.

And Plagg twitched.

Adrien just meowed at him.

No.

Nope.

He was not going to let this kid waste away like this. It was time for some desperate kwami measures; Which just implied a lot of rule breaking on his part. Did he care? He was the mini god of destruction, Caring wasn't in his vocabulary at all. And if you tried to say he cared about Adrien then he would just have to scratch you.

The kwami sucked in a breathe- and sense he knew that waking Adrien was a lost cause- He quickly hovered over to the ring on the boys finger. And then pressed both paws onto it….

And that is what led Adrien to yelping as a flash of light surrounded him and he was left as Chat Noir, lying on his bed and now tangled up in a yarned blanket. He meowed in fear before he tumbled onto the ground with a loud thud.

What the!?

" PLAGG!"

'This is for your own good kid..'

" Wait- wha-' Adrien squeaked.. And then hissed when his body jerked up in a cat like manner. It made him jump towards the window of his room, then it latched onto the glass. He was suddenly flying through the streets of Paris with the wind lapping through his hair..

And he had no control over it.

" PLAGG!"

" Calm down. Don't get your boxers in a twist.." The cat meowed in his mind but did not let him have his body back until he was at least a few miles from his house. By the time they did stop Adrien was panting and had to bend down and place both clawed hands on his upper thighs.

He panted in pain.

He was fit in every sense of the word.

But he wasn't THAT fit.

" What was that!?" Adrien snarled as he snapped up sharply. Almost so sharply his spine popped when he did so. He heard Plaggs laughter inside his head and he batted at his cat ear if it would shut him up.

" Eh, I was bored.'

'What?!' Adrien suddenly groaned as he bent down ran his hands through his hair.

" Chat….?"

That's when Chats head jerked up. And he noticed where he was. His back was to the trap door ashe crouched down by the railing. He noticed the flowers and the fresh smell of baked bread. He Noticed the scent of sugar in the air and he realized where Plagg had stopped him.

He cringed mentally.

" Well Hello Purrincess…" Chat spun around to catch a glimpse of Marinette's black hair and blue bell eyes. She looked a bit confused and he wondered if he had been so loud on her roof that she felt the need to go check.

Or maybe she witnessed him yelling at himself and pulling at his hair like he was insane.

Thanks Plagg.

'Your welcome Kid.'

'I'll burn all your camembert…-

' Excuse me..?" Mari sent him a confused look while he mumbled to himself. He blinked but then forced a bright laugh as he bowed and took her frail hand into his own.

" Sorry to alarm you Purrincess. I was in the neighborhood and I thought I'd drop in ...A hero has to check on his city ya know.' He winked and placed a kiss on her hand that led to Mari blushing but pushing his head away slowly.

" Sure Kitty…...Why are you out tonight… anyway..?"

"...Patrol. Me and Ladybug decided on it as a last minute thing. Ya know.. Just us heros. Doing our thang.' He grinned and positioned himself on her railing. He let his feet dangle over the edge as his hands gripped the bar behind him, He almost slipped but ignored how Plagg seemed to get uncomfortable in his self consciousness.

"... Really..? I haven't seen Ladybug anywhere tonight?" She offered a wide eyed blink. What Chat didn't know was how she caught how he tensed. He tensed so bad that his muscles spazzed under the leather of his suit. Marientte looked at him and scrunched up her nose.

She knew better.

Chat had made it a habit to come to her home when he was bored or needed someone to bug. Or when he wasn't really acting like himself. Right at the moment, even if he was still punning or grinning like the dork he was- there was something off.

Although she couldn't tell him she was ladybug she did know he seemed to visit her civilian self for comfort. How this began she didn't know. It was probably because of the one time he tried to be romantic for Ladybug and ended up getting his heartbroken…. He ended up here. With her. And he had just talked.

And that was one of the first times Mari hadn't seen the flirty, goofy side of Chat that sometimes made her skin crawl. In was the one time she saw him forlorn. It was the first time she saw his shoulders this tense. Like a cat ready to sprint away from the sign or water or danger.

"... Ah Okay. Okay Purrincess ..." Chat waved it off but then shrugged one shoulder in a half attempt to cover up his previous lie, "...I just needed to clear my mind.' He smiled.

It was shy.

Mari blinked at how it didn't seem to fit Chats face. And yet how it looked natural at the same time. He looked back out at the city and let his tail flick. One leg was propped up and his arm laid against it in a relaxed position.

Ever the cat.

" Are you okay?"

" Are you kitten me? I am feline fine, Meow Purrincess.." he winked.

" Really…? Three in a row..?" She folded her eyes, " Don't lie to me Chat…' She whispered but walked over beside him and leaned on the railing. She glanced up at his cat like figure. She glanced at how the wind blew about in his blonde hair and how his green eyes widened and then darted away from her own.

She had seen this behavior before and it had been a long time since that day. But Chat had visiting several times after and each time she saw a new version of him. The version she saw of him as LB was flirty and strong. Full of courage and almost never serious. It was annoying when they were on the job, and it was even more annoying when he took her hand and tried to constantly hit on her.

But this Chat….. This Chat showed emotions other than courage and flirtatiousness. She saw something flash in his eyes that she couldn't place… She saw his ears flick in nervousness. No… This Chat was nervous. Skittish. Ready to run. This Chat was not courageous, and she was starting to wonder if he truly was. Maybe he was…. And this was just his human side. The one he refused to show on the job because it showed his weakness. She had seen him angry and hurt before, but it was so quick she barely caught it as LB. But as Marinette...He had showed her his pain when LB didn't show for his romantic surprise… He was hurt. Hopeless. And now he looked thoughtful. But scared and maybe even a little lost.

He had to be to lie to her about why he was here on her balcony.

" Right.. The purrincess is always right…" He sent her a sideways smile. But this smile… it was more subdued than his others. It honest reminded her of someone.. But unlike them- this smile was forced.

Silence rang between them, and Marinette wasn't sure if she should say something to break the ice or shut her mouth and listen…

It felt like forever before any one of them spoke.

" Have you ever…'

Chat began but went silent.

"... I didn't quite hear you kitty..' She sent him a playful smile- which dropped when she saw the look on the cat boys face. He was thinking. Deeply about something- and just staring at his face made her look away. Because it felt as though she was intruding in on something important.

Chat on the other hand wished he would have wished her a good night and took off into the night.

He opened his big mouth. Great. Just what the vet ordered. He groaned mentally and for once Plagg was surprisingly quiet. He clamped his eyes closed in thought as his legs swung back and forth over the void that was her balcony.

All he had to do was push off.

Fling out his arms ..

And not grab his baton.

But he couldn't do that to Plagg. Not while transformed. He couldn't do that to LB. She needed help- or at least he figured she needed help. And Marinette didn't need to see the death of Paris's most suicidal super hero.

He sucked in a breath as that hit him like a brick to the head.

Suicidal.

He didn't want to admit it before, But the thought of death was following him everywhere now. What would happen if he fell down those stairs at home? Would his father find him? Would he cry over him? Or would he just say it was a shame, adopt someone knew and have him buried where he would be forgotten? If he died would his father care?

What would happen if he fell from the highest height and just… didn't catch himself? Would LB care? Maybe. She was the sweetest soul that ever walked the planet, but she also didn't see him that way. No matter how much he loved her…. Was he blaming her for his feelings? No. He Had plenty of people to blame that on and she wasn't one of them…

But it suddenly hit him if he were to tell her about the thought she was having, She would either not believe him or she would tell him to get help. Maybe she would even help him get help.

But he didn't WANT that.

He didn't want to see the look of pure pity in her eyes. The, ' Oh you poor thing' Flashing through HER eyes. He didn't need that. He was supposed to be strong for her…. How could he be strong when he was constantly thinking of ways to off himself? He didn't want his father knowing… A father that would just force him into therapy and not care if he got better or not. The only reason Gabriel would want him on his feet was because it would affect his clothes line.

And it stung.

Because he loved his father.

But he didn't need that type of false love.

He didn't need the pity from the girl of his dreams.

But he didn't know if he could continue to keep this to himself without snapping. Without suddenly realizing he truly wanted to feel his body hit the ground. That he truly wanted to hit the ground and then let everything go black. Maybe his father would shed a tear or two… Or maybe Adrien freaking Agreste could finally see his mother again….

Maybe she was dead.

Maybe he could be with the one person that loved him. The one person that held him during storms. The one person who cuddled him and told him stories- the one person who cared for his well being and his wants.

The one person that never left him alone even when he wanted to be.

Hechuckled deeply and it seemed to take the blue haired girl by surprise. Because it was a throaty chuckle.

A soft, watery, chuckle that would never be associated with the, ' Chat Noir.'

Protector of Paris.

…. He questioned that saying.

He and LB protected Paris.

But who protected them..?

And even though he didn't want to say anything… Something deep inside of him screamed and told him to say something. It wasn't Plagg. The Kwami was so quiet at the moment- it was rare. It was something screaming at him and telling him to say something about it.

He swallowed thickly and looked back down at the ground.

And he opened his mouth….

"...Have you ever licked your elbow..?"

Chat jerked his head towards her.

"... I can't say I have Purrincess .' he snorted.

And then laughed.

That was the most random thing he had ever heard, and the smile that spread across his lips was the first genuine one he had in weeks.

Marinette's eyes danced with humor, as if she had planned it all along. And she had. Seeing her Kitties eyes go so serious… It was something she wasn't used to. The air had thickened and he had twitched for a good five minutes before she decided that the ice indeed needed to be broken.

"Your turn. Ask me anything..' She gave him a goofy grin, trying to mimic the ones he gave her each day as they saved Paris.

He perked up.

"... Ohhh… Purrincess… This is a dangerous situation. Wait, Wait. I have my thinking cat on.'He grinned.

She groaned.

" Wait a meow-ment, I'd not Kitten around. I need a meow-ment of your thyme.'

" YOU CAN'T MIX A CAT PUN AND A SPICE PUN!"

"But I just did. It's just part of my cattitude..'

" Oh god.. Make it stop..'

Chat giggled and swung his legs back and forth.

The black fog seemed to dance up off of him for just a moment.

" Have you ever…Fallen down stairs?"

" Ugh.. Chat… You KNOW I'm clumsy.'

" I take that as a pawsitive answer.' He winked. She glared.

" If you don't stop… I'm pulling out dog puns.'

" YOU WOULDN'T DO SOMETHING SO-'

" Don't..'

" UN-PURR-FURR-ABLE WOULD YOU? Your freaking meow-out!'

"... I knew you were bad but I didn't think you liked things Ruff.'

" Purrincess….'

" I'm sorry if my voice is a little ruff, I sang all night and now I sound a little Husky.'

" Oh count meow-out.'

"Could you 'Retrieve' me some 'Golden' thread? I need it for a sweater.'

He began to hiss…'

" I am so hungry. I think I'll eat a beagle..'

" PURRINCESSSSSS…' he whined and flopped, " You are almost better than me. Almost… Can't we just Hiss and make up?"

Marinette leveled him with a look.

He gulped.

Her lips squirmed.

His hands unclenched.

They both burst out into a fit of laughter and giggles.

Chat wiped an invisible tear from his eye and stared back out at Paris. His stomach hurt and just goofing off like this had taken a toll on his attitude. A little at least. It had lifted the fog around his mind and now the air was a little fresher.

It was a little better.

Not great. But better.

He clamped his eyes shut and purred out a contented sigh whilst Marinette hummed and leaned on the railing once more.

" Have you everrr….. Dropped your phone in a compromising place?"

She watched Chat groan but laugh at the same time.

"... I, Chaton Noir… Do not think I should disclose such a deep secret.' he grinned at her playfully. His tail flicked back and forth and Marinette didn't mind seeing the sparkle back in his eyes…

And then just as fast as the sparkle was there- it left again and he was suddenly quiet. He looked back out at the city around them, and then looked down. And Marinette felt her stomach turn…. Because he had been doing this a lot lately. And just the other day he almost died because he didn't extend his baton and-

" Have you ever….' He paused. His voice was gruff as if he was holding back an emotion she didn't know she could place on Chats face…

" Have you ever…. Thought…. About…. Ending it?" he whispered it.

But she heard it.

Her stomach plummeted.

Her eyes widened.

Chat glanced over at her with uncertainty in his eyes.

And when he saw her shock his shoulders went rigid. He quickly stood up, swung his leg over the railing and pulled out his Baton. He forced a smile in her direction.

" I do think it's time for this kitten to cat-ch midnight train and head off home.' He did a two finger salute, extended the baton and prepared to jump away as fast as he arrived.

He shouldn't have said anything.

But he had been caught up in the moment. He NEEDED to tell someone… And the look she gave him worried him. He was burdening her with this. What would LB say? He was getting a civilian in the way…

He needed to leave.

And he was about too until fingers laced around his clawed glove and stopped him from jumping away. He stiffened and glanced back over his shoulder ...His green eyes went wide with pure panic- and her hand tightened around his own.

"... I think everyone has those thoughts every once in a while? They think about it- It's just they don't dwell on them.'

He felt his mind nearly shut down. Was she just.. Excusing his thoughts for nothing? That they were normal and… and… He trembled.

No...

"... But others do dwell on them and there's nothing wrong with that….. Chat….Theres nothing wrong with you.'' She swallowed her escaping breathes.

Yes there was…. He was depressed. He hated himself. He hated his life. His father. He hated being alone, He hated that his mother wasn't there. He HATED modeling for just pure gain and he hated that he couldn't be himself without being criticized for it.

"If you need someone to talk too..I'm here. If you want to die, come here and tell me. I don't know about your life or what's leading you to feel this way… But if you feel the need to hurt yourself… or to even kill yourself- I'm here Chat….'

"... I'm not perfect.'

" I never said-

" I'm not perfect Marinette. I don't need pity. I Know there's something wrong with me. Maybe it's my head.. Or my emotions. I don't know but THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG!" He snarled and Marinette blinked.

"... I didn't say there was nothing wrong… I'm just saying… I'm sure you have a reason for wanting to die….'

He was shocked.

Almost as if there was water splashed over him. Cold.. Water. That suddenly warmed his face and his eyes.

"...I… I don't need pity…' He whispered huskily. His voice felt ragged from screaming. His breath was coming out sharply. She was telling him that he probably had a reason for feeling the way he was feeling ...But it still felt wrong. Everything felt wrong. His life felt wrong. This night felt wrong. HE FELT WRONG!

"... I'm not pitying you Chat….." She whispered.

She had never seen him shake with such silent rage before. She had never seen such hurt before. Maybe she could have worded things differently- She hadn't meant to make it sound like this wasn't important. Because it was. She didn't want her Kitty to think of dying. She didn't want her kitty to want to end it all. She didn't know about his home life. She didn't know why he felt the way he did…

And that was partly her fault. If she had just… Let him know who she was- then maybe things would he different. But this didn't feel like the time or the moment to reveal who she was to him. He would probably just break more.

And she couldn't do that to him. No,

But she wanted to help.

" I'm not saying… there's nothing wrong at home. I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with thinking about Suicide. I'm not saying you don't have a problem- whether it's depression or something else. I'm saying that YOU as a person… Have nothing wrong with you. Your amazing Chat. And although I may not know everything about you…. I know that your a great person on the inside…. And that your worth worrying about. Your not … a burden Chaton. I'm not saying theres nothing wrong with this situation.

I'm saying there's nothing wrong with you.' She finished…

And then felt her heart near fail when she saw his shoulders tremble…

His other clawed hand, the one that had been holding the baton, was now clamped over his green eyes. His head was tilted up towards the moon and his shoulders shook with suppressed sobs… She slowly let go of his hand and he crouched down in a sitting position on her railing. His ears flattened, his tail stopped and went limp.

And Chat let out such a defying sob that she couldn't breath.

Because this wasn't the Chat Noir that ran rooftops and saved Paris. This wasn't the Chat Noir that flirted and winked and punned. And yet it was.

This was her Chat.

But it was her Chat without the mask on.

The emotional mask that had slipped. Not completely broken, but not completely placed either.

He sobbed, and just like that tears flooded her own blue bell eyes. She didn't want to see her partner like this… She didn't want to loose her partner to the pain of suicide. She needed him…

And she now knew he needed her.

With every fake smile he gave her. With every flirting gaze, she knew now that deep down… There was just a kitten. Scared. Sad And distraught. She didn't know why Chat was going through this. She didn't know why he was thinking of suicide and death. She didn't know why….. And yet she wanted to learn to wanted to help. She wanted to help him get better…. And when he couldn't feel better- when his mind turned towards the dark sides of his life- she wanted to make him laugh. She wanted to help him through his depressed days and help.

Chat Noir was an Enigma… and She was just given insight into it.

"... Chat…?"

"... Sorry Purrincess.' he laughed through his tears… And then the laughter morphed. It turned into a deep choke that sounded throaty and watery; Like he was drowning in his own tears… And she couldn't take it anymore.

Marinette wrapped her arms around him, made sure his head was on her shoulder and stroked his head. He shivered at the touch, but then nuzzled her… As if starved for affection. Starved for attention. As if he was a neglected child- scared of touch and yet so ready to eat it up like it was his last meal.

She gripped him tighter… And let him sob it out.

" You have nothing to be sorry about Chaton…' She whispered, trying to hide her own tears. But they came… and they both cried as a little while passed… And when he finally pulled away it was because he had too. Or otherwise they would be caught in an embrace by some passerby below the balcony. He had to pull away before he attached so quickly that he refused to let go. He swallowed and rubbed at his eyes through his mask…. Only to have a hand stroke his blonde hair.

His head instantly nuzzled the palm and a deep throated purr escaped his lips, although with a shaky sigh.

"Kitty….'

"... Mmph?" he whispered- he didn't trust his wobbly voice. He was embarrassed. Frustrated. He didn't want anyone to know about his feelings. His depression. And yet he had let it pour out like water. She had somehow opened him like a vault, and now he couldn't stop going towards her warmth. He couldn't stop going towards her hands and her scratches.

"If you ever feel the need to die…. To jump. Or even to hurt yourself- Heck. If you feel the need to just talk to someone- or even just to sit in silence with someone...I'm here Chat.." She smiled.

It was then he forced himself to meet her blue bell eyes.

Striking, sparkling,emerald green met, bright, beautiful, blue bell blue.

"... Are you adopting me..?"

"... Wha-'

" If you invite a cat over its bound to come over all the time..' he rushed but sent her a weak smile. She blinked.

But then smiled.

"...Then I guess I am adopting a cat.' She whispered.

He laughed.

It gurgled in the back of his throat.

He knew he was getting involved with a civilian. He knew LB would probably not approve… And maybe he was so starved for affection that he had come here….. But he didn't care. He didn't want to care…. If he could feel this warmth… If he could feel these hugs and feel this understanding… he didn't care what LB thought. He loved her. But he didn't care- he was actually being himself for once. He felt like he was free again- Marinette was like a relief… A warm patch against his cold life.

He still felt naked to her. Asif she had seen something she wasn't supposed too… And yet he couldn't pull away…

He was pathetic. Or at least he felt so.

'Kid….'

Adrien paused. His eyes widened when he finally heard the little kwami in his head.

"Just do as she says. It takes baby steps Kid. It will take time….'

And with each step… Things would get better. With each day…. He would get closer to being able to truly smile. With each day he could be himself again. With each day he wouldn't have to think of the undying loneliness he had at home. Because He had Marinette. He had Plagg.

With each step…. He could recover if he needed too.

She was saving him.

He was Chat Noir. Hero of Paris. Savior of those in need.

And she was Marinette.

Savior of a hero.

Because…. Heros were always protecting others.

But they needed protecting as well.

And he found that protection as her arms wrapped around his back and his body almost went limp against hers. She rubbed small circles in his back and he felt his gurgles turn into deep, rumbling purrs. The tears slowly stopped… His heart slowly calmed.

She was saving a hero.

One step at a time.

_'Have you ever?'_

_'Have you ever found what you were looking for, in the most unexpected of ways?'_

* * *

_**~ End~**_


End file.
